I remember the first time I went to cut. I thought long and hard about it too. I sat in my closest for nearly 2 hours trying to figure out how I should go about it. You never really know. I know I didn't know what I was exactly going to do. I know I didn't want to hurt anymore, I wanted to let it out. I thought, maybe I should kill myself. I would definitly no longer hurt. But maybe I could just cut myself enough so I passed out and they would find me bleeding to death on the floor and rescue me.

I finally decided to cut to numb the pain. But the thing I learned later on from cutting is the more you cut, the more numb you become. You can cut yourself 10 times and it feels way different than if you only cut 2 or 3 times.

You get into this habit of cutting everyday. Every little thing that bothers you or makes you angry/sad drives you to cut. I could have missed a goal in practice and I would go home and cut myself because I saw myself as not perfect and I wanted to get rid of all my sins so I could be perfect.

You become aware of your scars. You do everything you can to cover them up. My way was with a lot of bracelets. Some use long sleeve shirts but that only works when it's cold outside. But if you wear them in the summer, people question you. I wore sweatshirt in the summer and people asked me why I did. I just told them I always wore them and fuck off. Now I use the sweat bands because they cover up a large area. These you can wear whenever and it just looks like an accessory. You stay away from pools or showering with many people like gyms and such. Because here your cutting would show.

you keep your cutting-ware with you in a spot no one will find them and dispose of them. You keep them in a shoe box, in a drawer, in your jewerly box. Wherever someone wouldn't look. You keep an extra blade in your backpack in case you need to do so at school or out and about during the day. You pack tissues or washclothes to stop the blood.

You know exactly how you want to die. It's always on your mind. Death and cutting. It becomes a pleasure. It's no longer something you did because you were angry. It's something you do just because you can. It's like breathing. You feel if you don't do it, you'll die. When you feel the strongest to do it, you'll start nervous habits. Maybe you'll start biting your nails, picking at your lip, taping your foot, or scratching your scabs until you can get a real blade.

For at this point, you are addicted. This is more severe than any kind of drug. You have relapses and you'll grab anything you can to cut yourself. Whether is be scissors, nail clippers, box cutters. ANYTHING!

You buy lots of bandaids and scar reducers hoping they work. You surf the net to find any secret remedy to get rid of them. Better not cut before or prom or a dance of some type. You can't cover up the scars.

You find new places to cut. You move from your arms down to your legs, neck, hands, stomach. Anywhere that is accessible. Then you start carving things into your body like a self made tattoo. I knew someone who carved the name of her boyfriend into her leg because he said he really like her legs. You are oblivious to the world around you. All that matters is you and the blade.

Your friends worry about you and tell you how much they don't want you to do this. But you can't stop. If you stopped you would be a mean person. The blade is the only thing that never tells your deepest darkest secrets. It never stabs your back. It is always there for you in the moments you need them most.

This is why I'm a cutter.